A few years ago, I went through the darkest moment of my life. My husband was arrested for having a relationship with an underage student and everything I thought I believed in fell apart.
The only Rock that held me steady was God and I anchored myself to Him.
That night, I lay in the spare bedroom of my parent’s house and stared at the ceiling. My four children were scattered about the room and house, exhausted from all the emotions they couldn’t understand. They were only 8, 5, 3, and 1 years old. I was 32, having just celebrated my 10th wedding anniversary with my college sweetheart, and I didn’t understand where life had suddenly dumped me.
I couldn’t sleep.
Have you ever been there? So broken by life that you don’t understand the wheres or the hows or the whys…?
The why is the worst.
Why, God? Why, me? Don’t You love me? Why would You let this happen to me? If You see me, if You see everything… Why?
The night was too black to pray. The pain was so thick and the darkness so crushing. Around 2 am, I whispered these words, “Please, God…please, wake someone up and make them pray for me.”
I knew I needed God. I loved Him and trusted Him and wanted to feel His arms wrapped around me. I needed Him desperately.
But I couldn’t feel anything. Only a broken despair and a shattered grief. So, in desperation, I threw out my prayer and hoped He’d hear me.
The next morning, my sweet cousin texted me that she had been praying for me in the night and I knew… I knew…
Even when I can’t see God, He can see me.
God is not limited by my eyesight. Whether my eyes of faith are closed in fear or cloudy with tears or focused on Him in perfect belief…
I DO NOT CHANGE WHO GOD IS!
He sees me. He knows me. He understands who I am and what I am and everything that has gone before and will ever be.
And He is faithful.
I am not a perfect example of faith. I have screamed and cried and wept and doubted and questioned and wondered and clung to Him in my darkest despair.
Through my imperfect faith, I have come to see His perfect faithfulness.
He has never given up on me. And He won’t give up on you.
Whatever you’re going through, if the night is dark or stormy or perfectly calm, understand that He hears you. He loves you. He’s right beside you and He’ll never leave you.
And this is why I write.
Jesus has changed my life and He is all that matters.